What the fuck am I doing with my life? At the moment I'm kind of stuck here on my couch - stuck because I'm sick as fuck and can't move - and smelling, with a contorted face, with a wrinkly nose, the odor of cat shit that is creeping out of the bathroom. If it weren't enough that my sinuses are fully-pressured, feeling like what I'd imagine they would feel like if I were on a space station of some kind and suddenly got sucked out into the cold, airless environment around the space station, expanding in that moment right before death when all the nitrogen in my body inflates itself in spite of its owner's wish that it would, in fact, continue as normal, I have to smell cat shit.

I'm not getting work from the substitute job. No, that's a lie, I get called once a week (i'm only available to work Mon/Wed/Fri because I have school Tue/Thur) on average to go into to substitute. But when I get the call, which isn't a call at all, but a little window on a website that I check into at about 7AM in the morning that says "job available at South Hagerstown High School" or wherever, I stare at the text, hoping that someone else will take the job in the 30 seconds that I take to think about it. Usually, someone does. Granted, prior to about two weeks ago I was taking every job offered to me, but lately I'm unable to get myself out of bed. I sleep until 11am, grumpily roll out of bed at noon or after, having mindlessly checked facebook, cnn.com, msnbc.com, astronomy picture of the day, and maybe some lolcats, for an hour or more.

What the fucking fuck? I have work coming in and I'm not even taking it. I'm sure I owe at least two of my friends maybe 60 bucks between them, and instead of doing everything I can to pay them back immediately, i'm sitting around my house feeling like shit. Nothing works right now. On the days when I don't go to work, or sleep late, or both, i feel like shit. I feel like a big fucking pile of shit. My response lately has been to just avoid everything and watch TV on the internet. I feel scummy. I feel like scum. Ugh, I think part of this substitute teaching thing that is bad is that I don't HAVE to go to work if i don't want to. Granted, if i don't go to work, then I'll not be able to pay my rent and then i'll be out on the street (well probably not out on the street because i'm sure one of my friends would offer their couch up, or my mom would ask me to move back home, but i'd rather die than do either of those things), but that doesn't stop me. I think I need a job that requires me to be at work everyday. Or I just need to find a way to suck it up and do this substite thing right.

You know what's fucking silly. One of the reasons I get all full of anxiety about going in to sub is that I only have two pair of dress pants to wear and both of them are brown corderouy and neither of them fit me. I think i've put on 20 pounds over this winter and i have to unbutton the top button on both pairs of pants in order to get them to not squeeze my stomach and bladder out of my butt. They are also both too short, so I look awfully silly in them.

What the hell am I talking about?

I'm sick. I have the flu and my brain is all fucked and I probably sound like a lunatic. And a loser on top of that. I'm not a loser goddamnit, I've struggled through 8 years of college with a severe learning disability, taking the hardest classses from the hardest professors. But at the moment all i've got to show for it is a notice from the federal government that I will soon have to start paying them back 40,000 dollars, a notice from sallie mae that i will soon have to pay them back 20,000 dollars, 4 incomplete classes, and a worry-ridden mother who, and perhaps rightly so, thinks that her 30 year old, soon to be 31 year old son, may not be able to support himself.

I made 30,000 dollars a year working for verizon online 5 years ago. I hate my job, and it made me want to kill myself, literally, but all my bills were paid, i had health insurance, and didn't really have to worry every month about how the bills were going to get paid. now i'm 60,000 dollars in debt and broke and with this economy going the way it is, potentially unemployable.

what the fuck.

I miss you.

So very much.

...love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...